FMA and Alcohol Gives You?
by Mez10000
Summary: What happens when the office has a few too many drinks to celebrate? Rated T for crossdressing, Edward's mouth and to be safe! Oneshot


A/N: Okay, this is what happens when I collabarate with my niece on an FMA fic! It's not set in any particular point in either the anime, or the manga's storyline, as Al has his body, so kinda AUish...

Disclaimer: Just a couple of fangirls, nothing more. We own nothing!!

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It had all begun when the military had caught the dangerous criminal roaming the streets of Central. In particular, this had been due to the efforts of Edward, Alphonse and Roy's office. So, they decided to celebrate, in one of Central's little-known bars.

Shunning the usual barstools, Roy decided that the group should sit around a secluded table in the corner. The group consisted of: Roy, Edward, the now-human Alphonse, Havoc and Riza. As they sat down, Roy brought the first round of drinks; sake for Edward, beer for Havoc, red wine for Riza, whiskey for Roy and a half-pint glass of cider for Alphonse.

Edward drunk the sake almost as if it were water, prompting Havoc to dryly remark: "I know this is a celebration and all, but maybe you should lay off the sake for a while, Edward."

"Lieutenant Havoc is right, Big Brother," Al added worriedly.

Edward pulled the bottle closer to him, fixing Havoc with a glare that clearly said, "Mine!"

Alphonse sighed – somehow he had known that giving his brother alcohol was a bad idea...

Then again, Havoc could not really say much, as he was already on his second pint of beer.

Al left to get the next round in – although he definitely would not be buying any more sake. Somehow, Roy was quickly going through the whiskey with next to no effect on him so far. Riza seemed to be the only one pacing herself, aside from Alphonse himself. Al knew he would need to be sober to guide Edward back to the hotel, and he reasoned that Riza was only drinking little to keep everyone else out of trouble.

When Al had his tray full of drinks, he walked back to the table, setting the tray down, then accidentally tripping over his own feet. Suddenly, Edward broke into hysterical laughter, as if this was the funniest thing he had ever seen.

Roy whispered over to Riza, "How much _has _the kid drunk?"

Riza squinted at the bottle. She had to mask her surprise, yet her eyes could not help widening slightly. "He's had over half the bottle..."

Alphonse picked himself off the floor, and sat in his seat.

In the next few minutes, more alcohol was drunk, more giggling came from Edward, and a game of dares was started.

Roy smirked, thinking of the perfect dare. "Fullmetal, I dare you to wear a kimono," he slurred slightly.

The group boggled at him...well, all except Edward.

"Alright," he accepted, with no fuss whatsoever.

His response puzzled the group even more than the dare – they were expecting the blonde to put up more resistance. How much _had _he had to drink?

"Uh, Colonel? How's he going to wear a kimono? We don't have one with us..." Al pointed out.

"I hid one in the bathroom – he can get changed in there," Roy said.

As soon as Edward had staggered off to the bathroom, Riza asked, "Why exactly do you have a kimono with you?"

"I've been planning this day for a long time. Today is the day Edward will wear a kimono!" Roy declared with a chuckle.

Suddenly, a few girl's screams could be heard.

"Uh-oh, I think Big Brother's gone into the wrong bathroom!" Al said worriedly, and rushed off to help his brother out of trouble.

A few minutes later, Edward and Al came back. Edward was dressed in a pink kimono with sakura blossoms embroided on, with his hair loosely spilling over his shoulders, freed from the braid. Crude make up had been applied, but it looked a mess – Edward's poor, alcohol effected co-ordination and lack of skill with the strange substances had resulted in a strange mesh of blusher, eyeshadow and lipstick, more or less all over his face.

Without missing a beat, Roy took out a box, pressed a button, and the box flashed in Edward's face.

"What the hell was that for?" Edward demanded angrily, blinking sunspots from his eyes.

"Just taking a photo of this moment!"

"What?!" Edward shouted, his voice raising his voice a few octaves.

"Shut up and have some more sake," Roy suggested.

To everyone's surprise, Edward did exactly that, flopping back into the chair, and clutching the bottle again.

With Edward's dare now complete, they moved on to the next person and their dare. It was Alphonse's turn to dare someone and he chose to dare Havoc. He thought a moment, before whispering conspiratorially in Havoc's ear.

For a second, Havoc looked as though he was about to refuse, but then he took a glance at Edward, makeup, kimono and all, and decided that there definitely were worse dares. He got out of his seat and walked over to Edward slowly, like a man condemned. Then suddenly, he gave Edward a chaste kiss on the lips.

Edward was stunned, and taking the opportunity to escape safely, Havoc ran and hid behind Roy, waiting for the inevitable Edward rant. But it never came.

Edward just stared forward in a daze, before eventually saying with a slur: "So, who's dare is next?"

The group looked on in surprise, before deciding that it was Al's turn to be dared, and Edward, in his drunken wisdom, decided that his little brother should have a little excursion to the lady's bathrooms.

"What?!" Alphonse shouted near hysterically, pausing all the conversations in the bar momentarily with his noise. "But, Brother…"

"Shut up and do it," Edward said, with highly exaggerated movements.

Slowly, Alphonse left the table and walked towards the restroom. From the table, they could not see anything, but waited with baited breath for…

Suddenly, there was a loud scream from the direction of the bathrooms. But it was not a girl's scream.

Edward, saying the most coherent thought he had had all evening, said: "That sounds like Al's voice."

A few minutes later, a bruised and beaten Al came miserably back to the table. "Big Brother, those girls are mean! They all ganged up on me; I was helpless!"

With a lopsided smile, Edward said: "Ha, you went into a girl's bathroom." And fell into drunken giggles.

Giving Edward a strange look and edging his chair slightly further away, Havoc said: "See anything interesting?"

For which, Riza cuffed him over the head, and promptly told him not to be so stupid.

With all the group seated and comfortably teasing Al, it was time for the next dare.

"Hawkeye?" Havoc asked.

"Riza," she corrected.

"Okay, Riza. I dare you to sing at the karaoke machine!" Havoc declared.

Riza gave the blonde a deadpan look, before nodding slowly. "Alright."

To be honest, with seeing the kimono-clad Edward, the beaten up Al and the embarrassed Havoc, she had been expecting something far worse.

She went over to the karaoke machine, paid the few sens to use the machine and finally chose a song. Suddenly, the loud music blared over the bar.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Find out what it means to me

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Take care of TCB"

Jaws dropped all around the table. Riza could actually _sing_! While she was by no means a professional, she held the tune well, and had a surprisingly rich singing voice.

When she had finished, the whole barroom clapped enthusiastically, and Riza stepped, flushed, away from the karaoke machine.

"That was…" Havoc gasped, amazed. His cigarette was dangling dangerously from his open mouth.

"Not fair," Roy interrupted. "You didn't embarrass yourself in your dare!"

"I completed it, didn't I? No one mentioned being embarrassed in the rules. Besides, you haven't even done a dare, yet," Riza pointed out, "Speaking of which, I dare you to…" the rest of the dare was whispered into Roy's ear.

Roy's face fell slightly, before he composed himself, with a smirk. "All right," he slowly accepted.

Standing up, Roy walked hesitantly over to the completely inebriated amber eyed alchemist. "Edward, could you stand up for a second?"

Amazingly, Edward complied willingly to the sudden instruction, and Roy moved just a little closer. He made eye contact with the blonde, holding his golden orbs with his own onyx eyes. His face was tantalizingly close; Roy could smell the sake on Edward's breath. Closing the short distance between them, he encircled Edward with his arms, causing the blonde to blush.

Then, with a painful slowness, Roy's hands snaked down his slim back and continued out from the group's view. They only knew that Roy's dare had been completed when Edward flushed a further bright red, his face livid.

"You groped my _butt_, you colonel pervert!" he shouted in the thankfully deserted bar.

Edward threw an angry punch towards Roy's head, aiming for his jaw…and completely missed, his coordination completely gone due to the copious amounts of alcohol in his bloodstream. His punch threw him off balance, and he fell to the floor, sprawled out, kimono and all.

The group looked intensely worried, especially as Edward was not moving…until they heard a snore, that is.

"Well," the colonel said, just a little surprised. "That was lucky."

"I know you have a thing for blondes, colonel, but," Jean started to tease.

A death glare from the Flame Alchemist made him gulp and his sentence trailed off.

Riza, ever sensible, was the one to suggest, "Since Edward is no longer conscious, it would be a good idea to let the Elric brothers go back to their hotel."

Havoc mutely nodded, his voice still lost.

"I'll help them get back," Roy volunteered. "Al may find it hard to carry his brother back on his own."

"Thank you, colonel," Al agreed.

Roy seemed to effortlessly haul Edward up in his arms, and tried not to think about how they must look – Roy still wearing his military uniform (and looking rather dashing, if he did say so himself), carrying an unconscious blonde in a sakura-pink kimono, whom, on closer inspection, just happened to be the military's child prodigy, the Fullmetal alchemist himself.

After a few seconds, his arms began to falter – he did not realise automail would be quite so _heavy_! How did the little runt manage to carry this weight all the time?

Slowly, he managed to move himself and the unconscious Edward out the door, with Al following – slightly unsteady on his feet.

"Are you okay, colonel?" Al asked, knowing that it must be difficult to carry his deadweight brother.

"I'm…fine…" he grunted.

Miraculously, they managed to get to the hotel without too much of problem, although Roy thought he might have strained his arms in the process, and wondered if he could possibly skip work tomorrow. No chance, really, with Riza knowing what's happened tonight – she would just tell him it was his own fault, even as she got him a coffee and some aspirin.

After getting an strange look from the hotelier (no doubt because of the presence of Roy and the passed out Edward), Al managed to get their room key, and went up to the room without further incident. Roy put Edward down on one of the beds, then proceeded to massage his aching arms absentmindedly.

"Thank you again, colonel," Al said gratefully.

"It was no trouble," Roy replied, even though it was. "Do me a favor and give this to Ed when he wakes up, okay?" he asked, procuring a plain white envelope.

"Um, okay," Al accepted, before Roy stalked out the room, presumably back to his house.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Early the following morning, Edward awoke with a groan, clutching his head.

"Urgh, what happened last night?"

To his surprise, his hand came away with a strange powder on it, and after frowning at the substance fruitlessly, he decided to stagger up (causing a little more pain to add to his already throbbing headache) and look in the bathroom's mirror.

His reflection looked mortified, with makeup smeared all over his face, and wearing what could only be a disheveled pink kimono, deeply creased by his night's sleep. Suddenly, his memories returned, hitting him like a brick to his head.

"What the hell?!" he yelled at the top of his voice, only to wince at the effect that had on his hangover.

"Al? Where are you?" he croaked.

"I'm right here, brother," Al smiled as he entered the room.

Evidently, he had not drunk enough last night to have a hangover like his older brother.

"Oh, the colonel asked me to give you something," Al swiftly remembered, retrieving the envelope.

Edward tore into it, finding only a photograph, of himself in a kimono, no less, with a note scrawled on the back.

It simply read: 'I've made copies.'

Edward tore up the picture, clenching the fragments in his automail fist.

"The bastard!"

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A/N: Well, I hope you liked that...randomness... Out of interest, most of the ideas were my niece's, and most of the writing was mine. If you enjoyed this (or even if you didn't!) please send us a review!


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